As the week draws to a close, I am excited about the new adventures that next week will hold. Lila will start her second year of Early Childhood Special Education preschool, at the same school but with a few changes. Last year there were 2 ECSE classes at her school. This year they are combining the classes in the same classroom with 2 teachers and 2 aides. I believe there are 19 children enrolled but as they all don't attend school on the same days, the maximum number of students in the classroom on any given day is 14. I am a little worried about the changes, mostly because of Lila's sensory issues. It will be busier and noisier than last year. The teachers have assured me that they are mindful of these issues and will keep a close eye on her. Time will tell. I still feel like we're making the right decision, BUT...........................................
I'm going to miss her so much. We've had so much fun this summer. Now that she's walking and talking, we have become so close. She's my little buddy. I have cried so much this week just thinking about her going back to school. I know that it's the best thing for her, Nick and I agree 100% on that. But my time with her is going to be cut in half and I don't like it. Not one bit.
This morning I was laying in bed, trying to wake up, thinking about how I've been feeling about the summer ending. As the all-too-familiar tears started to sting my eyes, my mind went back to how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was so angry. I was ready for "me" time. I felt as if I'd been robbed. Or cheated. That I'd done my time raising kids and now I was going to be "burdened" with doing it all over again. I'm ashamed of the way I felt but that's not what struck me this morning. What struck me is how God changed my heart, before she was ever born. I consider it a privilege to be her mom and even though sometimes it's hard work, and I'm exhausted, it's all worth it. She's worth it. She is the most precious, loving and contagiously happy person I've ever met. She is the sunshine of our family and we can't imagine our lives without her.
I wonder if she would have survived against all odds had I maintained my anger and self-pity. I think about the guilt that I would live with had she not been born. I would have blamed myself, and rightfully so. Thanks to God~His grace, patience and unconditional love, I will never feel that guilt.
Proud and humbled to be her mama~