February 13th

3 years ago today I found out that I was pregnant with Lila. I had been feeling a little funky for about 9 days. I had a hunch that I might be pregnant but wasn't really ready to go there. A little history to lead up to the actual moment:

Tiffani had bought her best friend some pajamas as a gift. They were on the kitchen counter because..... I'm not sure why? But they were there. Justin and his former girlfriend, Maggie, had just come home from school and we were all hanging out. The kids were going to make valentines for Maggie's friend because she was having a hard time and they wanted to cheer her up. (I know this is dragging on and on, but I'm re-living the day so please bear with me.)

Justin and Maggie were grabbing a snack- which included grape juice- and the grape juice somehow ended up on the pajamas. Not good. So I told Tiffani it was okay, that I could get the grape juice out. I said it with a little more confidence than I actually felt. I scurried out to the laundry room to discover that- YIKES-we were out of Biz. Off to the store I went, which was perfect, because Justin had asked me to get flowers for Maggie. I went to the Giant. No Biz. I tried CVS. No Biz. Apparently Biz was a hot commodity at the time. The third store I end up in was Harris Teeter. They had the Biz.....big relief. I took my time picking out just the right flowers for Maggie, and then I found myself in the aisle that I had been avoiding for about 9 days. Which test should I get? I wasn't sure how late I actually was because I've never been on schedule. I finally ended up buying a First Response 2 pack.

When I got home, the kids yelled to me from the family room, asking if I could use some help. I told them no, then went upstairs to hide the flowers. I put them in Justin's room and proceeded to my bathroom. I was shaking. I wanted to know but I didn't want to know. I took the test. POSITIVE! I'm like- no way. Absolutely not. It's a mistake! I'm taking the other one. It's POSITIVE!

I'm totally freaking out. I'm almost 40 years old! I have two grown kids! My baby is a senior in high school! I've already worked with a career counselor- I'm going back to school! I'm starting in 3 months! I have all these plans! This is insane! Please, God, no! This can't be true!
Why?

I went downstairs. All 3 kids are sitting around the coffee table with construction paper, crayons and markers. Remember, these kids are 17, 18 and 20. They probably looked so cute, sitting there making valentines for a friend that was sad. Unfortunately, it was lost on me. I was freaking out. I sat down on the loveseat and said "Remember when you asked me if I needed help? Well, I'm going to need a lot of help from now on. I'm pregnant."

The next few minutes are pretty blurry for me. I don't really remember the reaction of the kids, I don't remember what they said. I just remember, after a few minutes, thinking....
Nick will be so happy. And I knew that I couldn't ruin this moment with any of my selfish thoughts. Justin and I went back to the store and got a stuffed animal and a card for Nick. Tiffani, Justin and I waited for him to come home like little kids. When he drove up we were all standing by the door. He came in, looked at us suspiciously, and asked what was up. I gave him the stuffed animal and the card that said, "Guess what? You're going to be a daddy!" He read it, looked at me, looked back at the card and then said, "Are you serious? Really?" He was so excited. We called his parents and then we called mine. Everyone was so happy. Except me. I tried, but I just wasn't. I was happy for Nick, but not for myself.

And I guess this is where I really bear my soul. You'll probably think I'm horrible but I didn't want a baby. A baby was actually the worst possible thing that I could imagine right then. I had already raised two kids- mostly by myself. Love my kids? ABSOLUTELY! The very best part of life. But I felt as if I had done my time, paid my dues. It was "me time". I was angry.

Thankfully this is just the beginning of the story. I'm almost ready to post the story of my pregnancy- all the ups and downs. Mostly downs. And that's not a pun. There were so many complications, so many issues. The doctors warned us a couple of times to prepare for the worst, that the baby probably wouldn't survive the pregnancy. By the end of my pregnancy I was having conversations with Lila, the precious baby inside of me- begging her to live, willing her to survive. Thankfully, God changed my heart.


Linda