I will be blogging about our exciting trip to the White House soon- hopefully tonight or tomorrow- but right now I have something that I just have to get off my chest. We went to the local Down Syndrome spring picnic today. The skies were very cloudy but thankfully it didn't rain. Lila had a fantastic time! (And for my family- yes- I took a lot of pictures.) BUT.....
As we were leaving this couple was walking toward the pavilion. They didn't have any kids with them so they must have been meeting someone at the picnic. They looked over at Lila, riding happily in her stroller, and the woman said to the man, "See? She's cute. They don't all look like that."
Oh, man, that really didn't sit well with me. I kept walking but I could feel the heat travel from my feet all the way up to my face and I knew that my cheeks were flaming red. When I got to our car I asked Nick if he had heard what she said. He hadn't. I told him, then I watched the heat travel to his face. He looked at me and said, "I really wish you wouldn't tell me stuff like that." And got in the car.
But really. What possesses people to say things like that? Obviously they know someone that has Down Syndrome or they wouldn't have been there. Was she trying to give Lila some back-handed compliment? Doubt it. She didn't say it quietly but the comment wasn't for our benefit. I just don't get it.
Linda
That would burn me up, too! I think I'd be stunned and not know what to say. Maybe there were both reluctant to be there in the first place and really didn't want to be around other families who have a child w/ Ds. I don't get it, either! At the very least, if you can't say something nice... keep your mouth shut! Or THINK before you speak. I guess they missed those life lessons...
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I've been known to speak before thinking also. Sad that the way 'they' look is so important.
ReplyDeleteBut don't let it spoil the good memories of the day. I'm glad you had a good time and I can't wait to see the pics. Hopefully the 'BUT' is for timing not a problem with the camera or pictures!
This is Joyce. Hmm, I have a different thought. I wonder if they just got an pre-natal diagnosis and their only reference is a child or adault with Ds that is not well kept? Maybe they were invited to the picnic to see the otherside of Ds. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteEew. She definitely wasn't thinking. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteThat's the kind of thing that would make my stomach hurt for days. I'm sorry you had to hear it.
ReplyDeletePeople just don't realize how much they suck sometimes, is all. But you can feel good knowing their kids will never be as cool as Lila.
ReplyDeleteTo Joyce- Sarah's mom- they were in their 60's so I don't think so. But they could be struggling grandparents. Believe me- I was making excuses for them when Nick and I finally talked about it tonight- I am trying to see "their" side but it doesn't make the comment sting any less.
ReplyDeleteThat kind of comment freaks me out because I want to know, "Like what? They don't all look like what?" Because from what I can see in our online community, all of our kids do look a little bit alike, and they are all cute as can be, so wtf was she really saying? They don't all look like adults with ds? rickismom did a post on this a while back, saying how babies and cute children with ds grow up and it is time that people started accepting no-longer-cute growing and grown people with ds too.
ReplyDeleteWish them to a higher place (away from us - I guess). That's the advice my Ed Psych professor told us to keep in mind when we meet people who are offensive.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say. Just admiring the way you handled it ... with grace. ...
ReplyDeleteThinking now about how I would have handled it. Not so well, I'm afraid.
Hey whatever happened to you post about your exciting trip to the white house, and pics of Lila's picnic?!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was like Joyce's. I was thinking they had a prenatal diagnosis, or, perhaps were thinking of adopting a child with Ds. But, since they were older, maybe they are grandparents expecting a new baby.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this couple is a generation (or more) older than we are, and their experience and exposure to people with differences is likely much more limited than ours. I try to cut some slack to those who are older--they don't understand. It's hard to bite my tongue when my Dad says, "A Down's child." And he was instrumental in shutting down the residential institutions in the 70's! He just goes with the terminology of that time. Old dog, no new tricks. (He has a T-shirt that says this!)
I like Carol's advice--wish/pray for them to move higher up on the sensitivity and acceptance scale.
Some people have no brain....I agree with Joyce that they have mave gotten a diagnosis and whatnot, but you just don't say things like that.
ReplyDeleteI am continually amazed at how people say things and are totally oblivious of how offensive they are. ARGHHH!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I don't know how I would have reacted. Probably the same way as you, but then would have second guessed myself and wished I would have said something to them. But I do really wonder what they were doing there, and why they felt that it was okay to say something like that out loud in earshot of anyone other than the two of them.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you (and this comment is o this post and the most recent response to this post) - we're all LEARNING here. Learning what we're comfortable in saying, doing, how to handle new situations we've never been in before. So. Don't beat yourself up. This situation came along so that you can learn how to respond should it come along again...and that next time will be the more important time...the time when you're "supposed" to educate that person.
ReplyDeleteMe - I've become a big fan of the awkward pause. Put the ball in their court. :-)
I was once ignorant too. It would not be fair for me to expect others to get it the way I do. If they were older, then think of the stereotype they know, all the misconceptions and fears that they were taught and lived with.
ReplyDeleteIf they were coming, it was for a reason. it could be a grandchild, and you know, grandparents also struggle with the diagnosis. It is possible that before they came, they were talking about what wa sin their heart, about this new journey. maybe they were facing their fears, and she meant that comment to encourage her husband, "see, she is cute!"
I know I struggled with Nichole's diagnos. I had to face all the misconceptions I had about Down syndrome, I had to work through those. It is only fair that I allow others to do that too.
I know it is hard, I know it makes us angry. I can relate, but I have to remind myself. they do not know any better, so what can I do to gently teach them and sahre the beautiful truth about Nichole.